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|THE HOTEL IS FULL
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.”
|THE POPE, BILLY GRAHAM, AND ORAL ROBERTS
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean . They all died and went to heaven together.
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back….”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ’em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?”
However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
|“THOU SHALL NOT KILL.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
| MAN TALKS TO GOD
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”
|GIVING THANKS AS A NEW CHRISTIAN
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that naturalism and evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind.As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground.He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out “Oh my God!” Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, “You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you except me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said “it would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, “Lord I thank you for this food that I am about to receive.”
|LESSON IN LYING
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
** Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS….
| The Children of Israel
“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”
“What’s that, Joey?” asked Goldblatt.
“Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.””And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?”
“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you’re right.”
“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt. “So what’s your question?”
“What were all the grown-ups doing?”
|COME AND BURY THE CHURCH.
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday, the Church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the “funeral.” In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church. Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a “dead church,” all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each “mourner” peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
Iyke – Nigeria.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children… “You all have obsessions, he observed.To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”He turned to the second mother, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”He turns to the third mother. “Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving”.
|JONAH AND THE TEACHER
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales and how she had heard in Sunday School about how a whale had swallowed Jonah.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl remained steadfast in her position and reiterated that indeed, a whale had swallowed Jonah.
Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “I’m not sure how it happened, but when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher replied smugly, “What if Jonah isn’t in heaven?”
|Praise The Lord… Amen
A man was hiking through a forest and was becoming very tired. Then he stumbled upon a farm that had plenty of horses. He asked the farmer if he could borrow one.
“Well son, “the farmer said, “i can only lend you one because all the others are working. But it is a special horse. If you want to make it go, say “Praise the Lord”, and if you want it to stop, say “amen”.
Now the man climbed on and shouted “Praise the Lord”. The horse ambled along, it picked up speed after a time and didn’t stop. By this time, the man could not remember what to say to make it stop. He saw a cliff right in front of him. Then he started to pray of course at the end, he said amen. He horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
The man breathed a sigh of relief and shouted “Praise the Lord….. ”
Sent by Gem
|LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE ATHEIST
There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, “Praise the Lord!”
Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, “There is no God!”
Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!”
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. “Praise the Lord!” she cried out. “He has provided groceries for me!” The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, “There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!” The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, “Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!”
|YOU’RE NOT HIS SON ANYWAY
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and the he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.With a sad face the old man said to his son, “I’m sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don’t tell your mother.” The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.So he decides to go to his mother. “Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn’t tell you.” His mother smiling said to him,” Don’t worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You’re not his son anyway, but please don’t tell your father.”
|REVEREND BILLY GRAHAM
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.”The boy replied, “I don’t think I’ll be there… You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
A blonde, Brunette, and a red head were all running from the police. They ran into a back alley and dived into potatoe bags. When the police turned the corner they kicked the first bag and the brunette said “MEOW”. So the police thought it was a cat and went to the second bag and kicked it. The red head said “bark, Bark”. So the police thought it was a dog so they went to the next bag. When they kicked this bag the blonde says “PPPPOOOTTAAATTOO”
| WHY IS IT NECESSARY TO BE QUIET IN CHURCH?
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to Church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in Church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
|CONFIDENT AND CONFIDENTIAL
A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and Confidential. Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential!”
|WHO IS THE MOST OBEDIENT?
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?” Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
|WHAT ARE SOME OF THE SECRETS OF SUCCESS IN LIFE?
Woke up this morning…. lying in bed, I was asking myself…. what are some of the secrets of success in life? I found the answers right there, in my very room. The fan said : be cool. The roof said : aim high. The window said : see the world. The clock said : every minute is precious. The mirror said : reflect before you act. The calendar said : be updated. The door said : push hard for your goals. “If you do, you will, but if you don’t, you won’t. If you’re not able, you don’t have to.” Thanks ….
| MY OWN MOTHER WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE ME!”
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I? ” Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?” “WOW!” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”
|NO BABY-SITTER FOR JESUS
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”
|‘I’M IN THE SECRET SERVICE.
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, ‘You need to join the Army of the Lord!’
Jack replied, ‘I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.’
Pastor questioned, ‘How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?’
He whispered back, ‘I’m in the secret service.’
| PREACHER AND THE PARROT
A Preacher had parrot that would always say, “Hey Baby, How about a kiss?” It was embarrassing to him when members of the congregation, epecially ladies, would come in and his bird would say this. He had a friend whose bird would say, “Let us pray”. Thinking this would be much more appropriate he decided to get the birds together so that his bird would pick up much more appropriate sayings. He got them together and after a while heard his bird say, “Hey baby, how ’bout a kiss?” and the other bird answered, “Hallelujah, my prayers have been answered”!
|NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
|GOD IN TOILET
One Day in a CRK class in one of the primary schools in Ajegunle, The teacher asked the pupils this question
“Apart from heaven, where else does God reside?”
A boy stood up and answered
“God lives in our heart”
“Good” said the teacher.
Another pupil suddenly raised up his hand which the teacher acknowledged.
“yes where else” asked the teacher
“Toilet” said the pupil.
“How come, what do you mean” asked the teacher.
The boy said “Each time I see my father knocks at the toilet, somebody will answer yes !!!! and my father will say “Oh my God are you still there? ”
Two WOMEN were waiting at the Gate OF HEAVEN and struck up a conversation.
First WOMAN: “How did you die?”
Second: “I froze to death”.
First WOMAN:”Must have been awful.”
Second WOMAN:”How did you die?”
First WOMAN:”I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a heart attack and died.”
Second WOMAN: “If only you’d looked in the freezer we’d both still be alive..
| “I AM A SAUDI !”
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl’s life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:
“You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: “Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl”
The man says: – “But I am not a New Yorker!”
“Oh , then it will say in newspapers in the morning: ‘Brave American saves life of little girl'” – the policeman answers.
“But I am not an American!” – says the man. “Oh, what are you then?
” The man says: – “I am a Saudi !”
The next day the newspapers says: “Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.