I had the privilege of speaking at a Christian women's conference in February 2021. Among other issues, the question on the lips of the majority of th
I had the privilege of speaking at a Christian women’s conference in February 2021. Among other issues, the question on the lips of the majority of the women was, “Why are many Christian women waiting for so long to get a man?’. I tried as much as possible to answer their questions, and here are some of the issues I raised on delay in marriage.
1 High Standard Setters
A lot of Christian women are still waiting because they have set for themselves very unrealistic and unattainable standards of the kind of man they want.
So, they are masters at wasting opportunities. There is nothing wrong with setting standards—but you must be careful that you are not setting killer standards that would ultimately work against you—given the dynamics of our present society.
There are cases of women who said, “if he is not a graduate of Oxford, I can’t deal”. Someone told me that the lady said, “if your salary is not up to this amount, I can’t deal”. I told him that he had not found a wife. Why?
The day they fire you, she may dump you. Of course, it is your life, and you can marry whoever you want. But if you are a believer and have mastered the arts of setting unrealistic and carnal standards, you have shot yourself in the foot.
Be wary of the kind of list you are drawing. A lot of women have actually wasted a lot of opportunities that came their way because of their unrealistic list. The wisdom is this: be sensitive and careful.
Diamonds do not always appear as diamonds—but as diamond ore (dirty and muddy). God may send a man across your way whom you are commissioned to clean up. Do not throw away your diamond on the platform of insensitive and unrealistic personal standards.
2. Bad Attitudes
A lot of women have got very bad attitudes that push many potential suitors away. Greet them, they would reply to you with insults.
Sadly, the Christian community is not an exception. Humility is like perfume. Treat all men with respect. Even if you would never accept someone’s proposal, treat him with respect. He may be a friend to the right man—and his recommendation may be all that will attract that man to you.
By God’s grace, it was my recommendation that sealed the deal for a beloved sister in Christ. A friend to the potential man asked me if she was a good person, and I sealed the deal—she is an amazing woman.
Today they are married. Attitudes are more valuable than the strongest perfumes. Men smell attitudes faster than perfumes.
3. Unreasonable Allegiance to Spiritual Leader
Some Christian women have been trapped by their allegiance to their pastor and their church. We have got cases of pastors deliberately standing against marriage to men from other ministries so that the lady will not leave the church. This is witchcraft.
Tens of thousands of Christian women are going through this particular challenge. They have sold their wills to their pastors, and since there are no suitors in their present church, they have remained single and are now in their late 40s and early 50s.
When you are ready to get married, you will open yourself to believers from anywhere in the body of Christ. This is a very sensitive situation—given the current church model being operated in many African countries.
Unreasonable allegiance to pastors has tied down millions of women and has prevented them from finding the right man. It has also been proven, time and again, that a lot of pastors use some of these ladies as sex objects. This is evil and satanic.
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If you are trapped in the loins of a pastor and are looking for a way of escape, speak out to trusted senior Christian leaders. Or report the case to the spiritual father of your pastor. Otherwise, you will be responsible for your life before God.
4. Demonic Affliction
Some cases are actually the result of a demonic affliction. We cannot shy away from that. There are cases where some women are being held down by a specific demonic opposition and they need to pray and break free from such afflictions.
In fact, many of them get suitors, but something will just happen, and the relationship will just break down. If you notice such a pattern in your life and 3, 4, 5 men are coming into your life and are dumping you even when you have been very good to them, you need to pray about this very seriously or talk to a mature believer or your pastor.
Do not forget that you are getting older each year. The rate at which men are coming to you will be dropping as you grow older. Do not allow Satan to waste these valuable opportunities for you.
Speak out and expose any unusual pattern of failed relationships to matured and trusted Christians around you or even your pastor—if you trust him.
5. Self-Inflicted Cases
Some cases are self-inflicted. A lot of Christian women are embracing funny cultural biases that put them in direct confrontation with scriptures—feminism, individualism, and humanism etc.
To them, the bible is now obsolete. This is the 21st century. I cannot submit to any man. I am also a man.
So, there are going to be two men in the marriage—and anything that has two heads is not a human being, but a beast. I am talking to Christian women now.
If you want to operate your marriage using your own model and strategy, and you want to remain a Christian, you will have a lot of problems. You must marry a man you are willing to submit to. Submission is not slavery or dominance or male superiority—all of which are the reasons for some of the abuses we have in marriage.
Due to the prevalence of abuse in marriage as a result of the bad African-male superiority culture, a lot of women have become rebellious against men, and are no longer submitting to the biblical model of marriage.
The biblical model of marriage is that the man is the head, and the woman is the helper. Not a slave-master relationship. If you are a genuine believer in Christ, and you are looking for a man that you will head or that will share the headship role with you, you will wait for a long time.
Yes, it is true that a lot of men abuse this principle to oppress their wives. Still, there are a lot of great men out there who do not abuse women. This is what the process of courtship would help you to discover.
6. The Woman’s Physical Attribute
Some cases have to do with the physical attributes and looks of the woman. The woman’s body is the first thing that men look at—regardless of how anointed, the man is.
A lot of Christian men may pretend that they closed their eyes while assessing their wives. But that is a lie. Men are driven by what they can see. We have recently discovered cases of senior Christian leaders who are having challenges in their marriages because the woman no longer looks attractive to them, now, when the ministry has gone global.
Some of these servants of God shunned the physical attributes of the woman when making their choices—hanging their choices only on, “The Lord Said”. Having said these, the truth must be told, “some women are not well kept”.
They do not manage their weight; they do not dress well; they do not look attractive, and given these, a lot of men are put off. I have spoken against body-shaming women in several of my teachings. I stand against every form of abuse—including emotional abuses that arise from body-shaming women.
But truth must be told, if you do not package yourself very well, and look very fit, a lot of men will be put off. Shed some weight; eat well; wear sparkling beautiful & descent clothes (not revealing clothes) and with a right attitude and a good spirit, you will be findable.
7. Strategic Positioning
Some Christian women are not strategically positioned—not findable. They spend the whole of their time at work, and then at home and then again, to church, and again back to work and again back to their homes. Where will the man find you? They are not strategically positioned to be found. They do not socialize.
I did not say you should be going to clubs or to places where your brand and value will be corrupted as a daughter of God. I am speaking about how you relate to people outside of your normal schedule.
Examples could be joining social groups; Christian committees; WhatsApp groups; or regularly attending community events; weddings, birthday parties, and other online & offline platforms where you meet with people.
Some women do not even have any functioning Facebook page with their pictures. They want to keep a low profile but are looking for husbands.
No man lights a candle and puts it under a bushel. You want to keep a low profile when you need to be shining your light to the whole world to see?
8. Addiction to Comfort Zones
Fact is, some Christian women do not want to leave their comfort zones. The men that are asking you out are based in America, have better jobs than you, but you do not want to relocate to America because of your circle of friends and social status in the UK.
Of course, it is also possible for your husband to relocate to your own place too. But that depends on who has the better profile. He is a manager of a bank in New York, and you are doing a per hr job in Canada with far less income and financial capacity.
Then, you are asking him to relocate to Canada and abandon his better-paying job? It means you are not ready to get married. Location has grounded a lot of women. Your husband can be in Congo or in Dallas, USA. Do not be a lord of geography—always stamping your feet on the ground that you can never leave your location. You may be grounding your marital destiny with such an attitude.
9 Past Experience of Failure
Some women have just come out of a very bad experience of abuse from a previous relationship. Some are actually a victim of abuse.
Now, to them, all men are bad. Consequently, they do not open to suitors. They will frustrate all men that come around them. They will cut the phone on them; insult them; block them on social media and transfer the aggression of a previous relationship to them.
Yet, they are still praying for the right man to come. If you are in this condition, you may need to see a psychologist or a mental health consultant to help you overcome these past pains and hurts. Some do not even think they are under any form of trauma.
But if you notice that you have become very irritant, angry, negative, abusive, and acidic towards men—or you have a friend who is behaving like these to men, it may most likely be a mental health issue arising from past experiences of failure. Help them by connecting them to a psychologist.
10 Time Factor
Some cases of delay are simply an issue of time. The right time has not come. There is a special assignment for you and God needs you to marry a particular man. If you miss this man, it is a disaster.
For these cases, a lot of patience and endurance is needed. This is the situation of a lot of women as well. You will need to pray to get a unique word from the Lord if your case falls within this scope. Therefore, believers need to be trained to know how to hear the voice of God. You will need to know whether this is your case or not by praying to hear God.
Above all, the God factor is non-negotiable. Remaining prayerful while doing your best as explained above will certainly open you up to a God-fearing relationship. Learning to forgive and moving on will also help you. Have a positive attitude; look good and make yourself to be very smart; be respectful to all men.
All men are not devils. All men are not evil. I am not perfect, but I have never used foul language against my wife in nearly 15yrs of marriage. Not even saying to her, “don’t you think”? Neither has the smallest finger of my hand ever touched her in any form of physical abuse. That does not mean that we do not quarrel or disagree.
But God has helped me with a very strong capacity for self-control. The truth is, there are millions of much better men than me out there. Not all men are evil and terrible. You will be surprised at how things will work out and the right man will locate you if you could only make some little changes here and there.
Ayo Akerele holds a doctorate degree in Employee Turnover, Human Capital Development and Organizational Tacit Knowledge from the prestigious Edinburgh Business School. He could be reached at ayoakerele@hotmail.com
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