MEN SHOULD BE SENSITIVE. NOT ALL CHURCH WOMEN ARE MARRIAGE MATERIALS. – Rev. (Mrs.) Adetutu Coker

Adetutu Omolola Coker, co-Senior Pastor of The Kings Chambers and wife of Rev. Afolabi Coker is the visioner of Ladies for God, Chairperson of Marriage and Family Success Board. Graduate of University of Ife, now Obafemi Awolowo University, our best description of her would be in relation to her simplicity in teaching and preaching the undiluted word of God particularly in the ministry to which God has called her into – a Pastor and marriage counsellor. Through this, God is reforming, re-aligning, reuniting, reviving, revitalizing, refreshing, renewing, restoring, regenerating and rejuvenating several dilapidated families.In this interview, she spoke about issues relating to relationships, marriage and parenting.

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You recently celebrated 25years of being married What would you say has been the secret of the success of your marriage thus far?

Honestly, it’s been the grace of God. God has really been good to us to the extent that His grace has always been sufficient for us in all ways. I will also add that patience and determination to make the marriage work have been two of the determinants of our success story. Of note also is the fear of God we have and our trust in God. All of these put together have aided the success story we have today to the glory of God.

As the Chairperson of the Marriage and Family Success Board of this Ministry, can you speak on how the Board actually started and what are the activities of the Board?
The Board started at the inception of the Ministry in the year 2003. The responsibility of the board is to build godly homes by building strong families. Our belief is that if there is strong home, there will automatically be a strong Church which invariably will help evolve a strong nation. We strive to achieve these by counselling intending couples who are into relationships and organizing, in conjunction with the Ladies for God and The King’s Men Fellowships, programmes for the singles. All these we are doing to ensure that they lay strong foundations for their marriage.

We also counsel married couples, organize marriage seminars from time to time and pray for both the singles and married so that the home front will be fortified and strong.

What would you say are the Board’s challenges and success story so far?

Talking about the successes the Board has recorded, we have been able to successfully counsel intending couples who are today married and definitely enjoying their marriages.

Through our activities, we have seen broken homes mended, sour homes sweetened and marriages with shaky foundation remoulded. We have been able to guide singles who are open to us to make godly decisions leading to godly marriages. Our challenges have been in the area of attendance at programs organized by the Board. These programmes are often organized for everyone but ironically the people who really need all the programmes are not often willing to attend.

Sometimes also, we face the challenge of singles that are not willing to be completely transparent and open to us. We also have some singles coming to inform us about their marriages without the Board having a fore knowledge of their relationships.

They did not come to take advantage of our counselling. It is sad that some of them through these means enter into wrong relationships. All in all, we thank God for those who willingly come to us; for these ones, we have been able to do our best.

Listening to you reeling out some of your success stories, it is obvious you’ve counselled a lot of couples. What would you say is a common problem in marriages?
The common problem is lack of understanding. Couples, more often than not, misunderstand each other. Issues that ordinarily should not cause friction are often misunderstood by either of the party involved. That has been a very fundamental problem that we have observed as a recurring incident in the course of counselling people.

You have written books addressing singles and the issues they usually encounter. Would you be kind enough to advice our singles on what to look out for while contemplating marriage.
My simple advice is that singles should look out for partners who love, fear and serve God diligently. This is probably the most important determinant to choosing a life partner. Experience has shown and proven that a man or woman does not cheat his /her partner not because he fears the other partner but solely because of the fear of God. When you fear God, you will always obey His commandments even if the situation you find yourself in terribly hurts. You will avoid everything that could jeopardize the trust your partner has in you if the fear of God is in you. The fear of God in you makes it difficult, if not impossible for both parties to live in unforgiveness. Your love for each other will always be unconditional, undiluted and unending. In essence, when the fear of God is the foundation of a relationship, there is an assurance that it will stand the test of time.

These are some of the reasons why we always emphasize the need for intending couples to attend structured counselling before they eventually get married. The Bible says in Proverbs 11: 14 that “in the multitude of counsellors there’s safety. “You do not need to have a secret relationship that will lead to secret marriage if you have nothing to hide. It is better to be careful to know what you are going into than to learn the bitter truth after you have entered into it unguided.

Singles should endeavour to ensure that they have peace of mind in any relationship they are involved in. Where you have any iota of fear or doubt, you should stop and re-appraise that relationship in line with the word of God. It should not be about the looks, the money or the affluence. These are good but they are not the basic things to consider when contemplating entering into marriage that could define one’s destiny.

We have a lot of marriage counsellors today with teachings that are misleading. How can we recognize these people and avoid them?
Amos 3:3 succinctly clarifies that except two are in agreement they can’t work together. Any counsel that cannot be tested and proven with the word of God as contained in the Bible should be rejected and avoided like a plague. Such teaching is poisonous, toxic and it is from the pit of hell. You should be careful with any so-called marriage Counsellor who counsels that you can meet a man/woman today and marry him/her tomorrow or that within the span of one month you could both head for the altar. I was listening to a counsellor on television who said he didn’t know the second name of his wife, That is absurd, to say the least.

Singles should watch out for such people. Singles should also be careful of the singles meetings they attend. A lot of ‘packaged-testimonies’ abound in such meetings. You hear things like “Praise the Lord! I was in a Singles and Married Programme last month, my phone rang immediately I left the programme and a man proposed to me, to the glory if God, I am now married”. How logical are these testimonies! I know marriage is a good thing and singles are always eager to be married but they should not be swayed by such frivolous and ridiculous testimonies. Singles should be wary of counsels or programmes that encourage people to get married immediately without knowing the will of God in that relationship.

Another very dangerous trend now in Christendom is the issue of divorce between husbands and wives, especially of God. What is your opinion about this and how can it be checked?
There’s a lot of reasons that could be adduced for this trend. In the book of Matthew 12:25, Jesus was quoted saying, “A house divided against itself cannot stand” A lot of the misunderstanding between these people is, more often than not, caused by the fact that the foundation of their marriages was faulty from inception. Though, some could h4ve been built in accordance with the will of God, but along the line, they have somehow given place to the devil either by not fully abiding by their marital obligations or through irreconcilable differences.

The only way to avoid this phenomenon is to ensure that our marriages are built on the right and godly foundation. Psalm 11:3 says “If the foundation is faulty, there is nothing the righteous one can do?” A man of God should be careful of the woman he wants to marry; not all praise lifters or intercessors are marriage materials.

Remember, this is the end time and the Church is corrupted today with people with demonic spirits. It takes a discerning man to know and avoid this kind of pitfall in life. Love is not enough in marriage though it is important too. We need commitment, sacrifice, meekness and the will-power to make up our minds that we will do whatever it takes to make our marriages work. Men and women of God should be godly models and examples for other people to emulate. My prayer is that God will bring destruction upon the spirit of divorce in our Churches in Jesus’ name.

This brings us to the next question: Is there a biblical basis for divorce?
Simply No. There is no provision for that in the constitution of believers, i.e., the Bible.

But can’t irreconcilable issues lead to divorce?
Yes it could, but that should also not nullify Biblical principles of marriage. A wrong action cannot become right irrespective of the objectivity of the reasons for the action. There’s just no place in the Bible for divorce.

Sometimes, you find that when issues could not be easily reconciled, some couple would agree to separate for some time to sort themselves out. During the time of the separation, they would take a hard look at the issue that had caused friction between them objectively and allow reasons to prevail. They eventually reconcile and this time, both have not only learnt their lessons, they would always strive to avoid a recurrence.

Are you advocating separation where abuse has been established by either party?
My prayer is that no couple will get to this stage in their marriage. Sometimes when the relationship is very abusive and life-threatening, particularly when the woman is the victim, we could counsel the woman to go away for some time. We have heard and read of men and women of God committing suicide or murder all because they thought they could manage an abusive marriage themselves. There was a celebrated case of a young man of God who killed his wife and cut her into pieces. Before it gets to that point, it is advisable for the woman to take a leave and devote herself to fasting and prayers. That is no longer the man she married, a murderous spirit has entered the man and is controlling him.
At this point, prayers could be intensified to salvage that relationship. Things can positively take a new turn through this period of consecration.

There is also the issue of same sex marriage which, interestingly, is getting sympathy from some churches in some climes. The argument of the people is, that is how God created them. What’s your opinion.
The issue of same sex marriage is totally out of place. God specifically created a woman for a man, an Eve for an Adam not a Steve for an Adam (Genesis 2:22) but the devil, in his bid to negate God’s original plan for mankind, decided to instil in some people pervasive tendencies to counter divine intention from onset. This gave birth to the issue of homosexuality and lesbianism.

The truth is God cannot institutionalize a union of one man one woman while at the same time create some men to have disproportionate feelings towards a fellow man and a woman having inordinate feelings towards another woman; unless the proponents of this anomaly are referring to another ‘god’ different from the God of the Bible. Our God is not an author of confusion. His words or actions are not in any way ambiguous. He does what he means and means whatever He says.

So, anyone who claims to be a Christian and still sympathizes with proponents or practitioners of same sex marriage has lost understanding of the principles of God as regards marriage. Same sex marriage, homosexualism or lesbianism are not biblical and shouldn’t be condoned for whatever reason.

Now let’s talk about parenting. There has been an alarming increase in the case of child abuse lately by adults who ordinarily look harmless to children. How would you advise parents to guard against such?
It is unfortunate that parents of today are so career minded that they have little or no time for their children. What shall it profit a parent who spends more time at work in the name of trying to provide for the family and eventually loses his children to wolves in sheep skins? When you leave your children in the hands of nannies, houseboys/ girls, uncles or in-laws for most part of the time, you are only exposing the children to abuses, which could seem subtle and harmless at first to the children. By the time such parents realize the danger they have exposed their children to, it would have become too late, the harm would have been done.

It is therefore advisable that parents should create more time for their children, they should be their children’s’ friends and have time to answer questions being asked of them. They should also be vigilant and careful to know how their children are developing both physically and psychologically. Try to get close to them and allow them to get close to you. Encourage them to tell you everything about themselves, particularly things that happen to them or around them each day. Teach them to know the extent to which they could play with an in-law, an uncle, house-helps, etc. Remember that most cases of child abuse are from these set of seemingly harmless people.

Parents should be sex educators by telling them about the different parts of their bodies and their functions. You should not fail to tell a girl-child what to expect as her body develops, the extent of the closeness she should get with people especially the male counterparts. Parents should be blunt in telling them that nobody should touch them anyhow, kiss them, hug them or even lap them.

It is also very important for parents to monitor what their children watch and listen to on the television or radio. Parents should be mindful of the kind of clothes and wears they buy for their children. What fashion sense is in a dress that opens up the back of a girl child? If it is not good enough for parents, I think it should not be considered for our children too. Ultimately, we need to continually pray for our children every day, commit their ways to God and ask God to grant them grace to grow and develop in a godly way.

We understand that there is a difference between discipline and punishment. How do you think we can discipline a child without necessarily punishing them?
Discipline simply means reprimanding a child for a wrong doing and punishment is inflicting pain on a child. Discipline could take several forms when rules are broken, like; no television within the week, bed time strictly observed, keeping their rooms neat and tidy or no meal, doing their assignments or no playing with toys, withholding something he/ she desires to have and have requested you- purchase for him/her, the list is endless.

These are just some of the ways we could discipline a child without necessarily punishing him/her. It is not all the time that a child does something wrong that the rod will be called to duty.

How would you advice those homes that are intact, those homes that are going through stress and singles in the face of rising vogue of immorality through prints, social media and electronics devices?
My advice to those whose homes are intact is that they should continue to do those things they are doing which have been helping them, while also praying for grace to continue in it forever. For those whose homes are going through stress, my advice for them is that they should open up and make themselves available for counselling. Why should they be dying in silence when God has given them a leeway to leverage on through right counselling? To the singles, my simple advice is that they should not compromise their chastity and integrity. They should not do what Jesus would not do and not go where Jesus would not go.

 Finally madam, where do you see your marriage and relationship ministry in the next 50 years?
If Jesus tarries, I see the ministry God has given me blessing lives beyond the shores of my country. I see glorious and wonderful marriages being birthed through my ministry. I see God using this ministry to silence the devil and keep him permanently out of marriages and families. I see my ministry evolving godly singles who will be above board in all they do, who will uphold integrity and chastity until they find and are joined to the bone of their bones and the flesh of their flesh according to the ordinance of God. These and many more I see my marriage and relationship ministry achieving in the next fifty years and beyond, to the glory and honour of the Lord.

Culled from His Chamber.