Unforgiveness is often perceived to be a righteous indignation by those that habour it. They were offended and it’s their right to be angry and react.
Unforgiveness is often perceived to be a righteous indignation by those that habour it. They were
offended and it’s their right to be angry and react. When reaction is difficult to be achieved, they hold the offender in unforgiveness and sometimes malice. Many people ruin their health and their lives by taking the poison of bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. Matthew 18:23-35 tells us that if we do not forgive people, we get turned over to the torturers. There are so many twists and turns in unforgiveness that God sees it an offence that could stop anybody from His grace. In this interview with Bola Adewara, editor E-life, Bishop Mike Okonkwo, the presiding Bishop of The Redeemed Evangelical Ministries explicates on the topic for better understanding of the Christian race.
What is forgiveness? Why is everybody talking about it? What are the dangers involve if you don’t forgive?
Unforgiveness is a condition or attitude usually from the heart where a person refuses to forgive another for a wrong done to him or her. Everyone is talking about unforgiveness primarily because it has become very common in this day and hour. Unforgiveness is very dangerous as it is one of the deadly tools that the enemy uses against God’s people. It is also one of the deadliest poisons a person can take spiritually. It causes everything from mental depression, to health problems.
When one forgives some certain sins or offences, is there not the danger of condoning sins?
When you forgive, you are not condoning sin, but rather you are obeying an instruction that says you should forgive others even as your heavenly Father has forgiven you. To forgive people is a superior act while to seek vengeance for any wrong done to you puts you at the same level with the offender. We must let God be the judge and jury of the offending person and therefore we can be free from the burden of holding resentment and bitterness and requiring judgment and justice. We cannot expect to live in the grace and mercy of God for ourselves and yet demand judgment and justice for someone else.
If one forgives a child who does wrong, does that take away punishment? Can you forgive and still punish?
There has been a lot of controversy about forgiving a child and withholding punishment. Yes, forgiveness takes away punishment but there are consequences to every act of misdemeanor. For every cause there is an effect. I may forgive my child for being wayward, but it does not remove the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy, or sexually transmitted diseases. When God forgave us, He completely wiped away our record of sins, but that in itself does not permit me to misbehave because if I do, there are natural laws, moral laws, communal laws that will come after me.
While it is okay to forgive a child, you must also strike a balance and understand what the concept of punishment is all about. What is the punishment intended to achieve? Punishment should not be introduced to subdue or humiliate the child but can be introduced to prevent a re-occurrence of the act. For instance, you may punish a child who crashed your car, by withholding the car until a time when he is more mature and responsible to handle such responsibilities. You may ask him or her to turn off the television for a while or deny him or her the privilege of a holiday. The whole essence is to make the child see the need to be more responsible, and not to deal with him or her.
When one forgives an offender again and again and refuses to fight back, would one not be seen as weak and effete? Is the person no killing his ability to be a man?
When you forgive and forgive again and again, you are first and foremost walking in obedience to the scriptures. Jesus was once asked the same question by Peter – how many times should I forgive my brother? His answer can be found in the scriptures. Matthew 18:21-22 “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times: but, until seventy times seven.’’ When you forgive, you are not weak or less a man, but you are actually demonstrating your capacity to act like Jesus and live above offence.
Must one forgive if the offender is not sorry or even acknowledge that he is wrong?
The command to forgive others is not predicated on their willingness to accept their faults, but rather it is predicated on your own lifestyle. Colossians 3:13 says ‘’Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man has a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye’’. You will notice that Paul used the word – Forbearing. It paints a picture of being continuously patient even when annoyed. The New birth gives you the capacity to take on offences and yet you are not offended when you remember that you are a product of grace and mercy yourself.
Forgiveness in cultural perspective: if one abuses you and you keep quiet, saying you want to forgive, the Yoruba call you omo lo’le lo gbesi wa, meaning you were not well trained so return to your parents for answers. That is a great insult culturally. Even your parents would beat you for not responding appropriately. Parents would say did you give your mouth to the washer man? Please speak on this, Bishop.
Forgiveness in cultural perspective might require you to give someone the proverbial ‘an eye for an eye’ but the culture of the Bible is different and superior to your local culture. The Bible is the final authority for the believer and it transcends all cultures and traditions. When God forgave you, He gave you a gift that you did not deserve. Therefore, you are also able to give the ones that injure you a gift that they do not deserve. When you have any cultural issue that clashes with the scriptures, weigh it by the scriptures and line up with what the Bible teaches.
Can you imagine what would have happened if Jesus had fought back all those who beat Him? There would have been no salvation for mankind. What did He do? He simply forgave them all and He forgave you also. Let’s look at that account in Luke 23:33-34: ‘’And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left. Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.’’ How do you explain this account? Did the Romans not know that crucifixion was deadly? They knew, yet Jesus forgave them. He endured all their insults, beating and cruel death but today, He is preached in every culture all over the world. The word of God is superior to any and every culture.
When a person did not ask for forgiveness and I went ahead to forgive him, do I need to let him know that he offended me and I have forgiven him?
When you forgive people, you are not doing so simply because they asked for it. No, you are forgiving them because the word of God says so. You do not need to go to town to announce that you have forgiven people. Your action would show that you have forgiven the one who hurt you. As a believer once you understand the weight of what Christ did for mankind {who spat on His face at Calvary}, you become more willing to immediately forgive when offended. You are also quick in cleansing yourself of all defilement from past hurts which may be lodged deeply inside. When you truly receive the forgiveness of God, it makes you more willing to become a seeker of peace and reconciliation according to the scriptures. (Prov. 25:21; Rom 12:20).
Must one forgive if a person continues to hurt one?
It is no doubt difficult to continue to forgive people especially when they do it on purpose and habitually. Understand that for as long as you are alive, offences will always come, so get ready to keep getting offended. However, when you discover that someone is bent on spoiling your day, it is wise for you to avoid getting into a situation where you would be hurt. You can choose to leave an unfriendly environment. Simply walk away. My advice is that you choose to love all men and seek peace and where possible avoid the company of those who deliberately seek to hurt you.
My husband is a wife beater, he nearly killed me and so we separated. If I forgive him, do I need to return to that abusive situation? Does forgiveness involve reconciliation?
I have always been an advocate against wife battering. No man should beat his wife because you are both joint heirs of grace. In an event a man beats the wife, I would counsel the woman to forgive the husband. However, before returning to that abusive relationship {if separated} there is a need for counselling. Counselling is vitally important because no two cases are the same. There is the need to find out what is the main cause of abuse in the relationship because there is no perfect relationship anywhere. Any marriage that succeeds had the opportunity to fail and vice versa. Before we deal with the symptoms, which abusive language and battery, let us find out what the root causes are. Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.’’ Here you see several vices that can aggravate and lead to an abusive relationship. Are you walking in bitterness? Are you easily angered? Do you delight in malice or do you speak evil with your tongue? These are some of the issues that could come up during a counselling session, so we know where the root of the trouble lies. Let me add that forgiveness does not only set aside the wrong, it also involves reconciliation. That is what Jesus came to do. He came to reconcile the world back to the Father through His death, burial and resurrection.
What is I don’t want to forgive, is there any spiritual, mental or medical consequence?
If you refuse to forgive others, you open yourself up to the devil and it is one of the deadliest poisons a person can take spiritually. It causes everything from mental depression, to health problems. In the New Testament, Jesus gave us some very important commandments to follow; one of them is to love one another, as He has loved us (John 15:12). Love is the exact opposite of unforgiveness, envy, jealousy, hate, pride and bitterness. You can’t truly love somebody and hold bitterness or unforgiveness against them at the same time. We have a responsibility to forgive others. God sent His Son Jesus to die for our sins, so that we may be reconciled to Him, without spot or blemish. He asks that we give others the same forgiveness that paid for us.
How quickly must I forgive? Is it not dangerous to forgive so soon?
We must be quick to forgive others because we were also forgiven. In actual fact, Christ died for our sins while we were yet sinners. If He did that, it means we were already forgiven even before we ever had the opportunity of asking for forgiveness. In John 15:12, Jesus commands us to love one another, as He has loved us. True love doesn’t hold bitterness or unforgiveness against the other person. If we are bitter or hold unforgiveness against somebody, then we don’t love them as Christ loved us. If we don’t keep Jesus’ commandments, then it proves we don’t love Him. John 14:24, “He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings…” Col 2:13-14 says ‘’ And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses; 14 blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross”.
What if I forgive and not forget? Is forgiveness not complete if I don’t forget? Can one forget really? Is forgetting not dangerous?
While it is true that you are expected to forgive someone who has wronged you, it is however not easy to forget that it happened. The truth is that you will always remember painful experiences as a human being, but the issue here is that anytime you remember what happened, you tell yourself that you have chosen to forget all about it. At this point, you are in full control of your thoughts and you deliberately shut out what had been done to you.
Secondly, make sure that you love and pray for the person who wronged you. When you pray for someone, you will not remember their negative acts towards you. In addition, make up your mind not to allow what happened to colour your opinion about the person. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. Learn to forget about past hurts, thank God for all things so that you also can heal and move on.
Some people have talked of forgiving oneself. How do I forgive myself? How do I know I have offended myself?
You need to learn to forgive yourself. One of the attitudes we picked up as a result of the fall of man is the fact that we want to do something or pay for something. When God forgave you your sins, He didn’t require any more sacrifice from you because the sacrifice of Jesus was completely complete and perfectly perfect. Your adding to it is an exercise in futility. Don’t beat yourself on the head for the wrong you have done, but rather rejoice in the finished work of Christ and enjoy your salvation. When you do not forgive yourself, you are simply trying to pay for your sins and you really cannot. Learn to forgive yourself because if you don’t, you are simply hindering yourself. Refuse to be bound by guilt and condemnation when Christ has set you free. Rom 8:1 says that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…..’’
How can a parent teach his children forgiveness
Every parent must teach forgiveness in basically two ways. First, teach forgiveness like every other biblical issue from the scriptures. Have a quality time to teach your children according to the injunction that says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, for when he is old he will not depart from it.’’ Secondly, teach your children by example. Children learn better by example. If you refuse to forgive them for their tantrums, naughtiness and acts of rebellion, they cannot comprehend it when you preach it. They must grow up in an environment where they see you forgive yourselves as a couple and they must never hear you say you would deal with people. When they experience love and forgiveness at home, it becomes easy for them to show the same to others in the larger society.
What if I feel and though I have forgiven someone, yet I have some sort of resentment I can’t seem to figure out or let go of. How can I handle residual sadness and anger that come up even after I feel I have truly forgiven someone?
When you forgive people, learn to let it go. You must deliberately allow the hurt to go because often times you are the one that suffers. The offender lives freely while you are bottled up with anger. Unforgiveness is dangerous because it can cause a root of bitterness in you. Hebrews 12:15, “…lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” Notice at the end it says, “many be defiled.” This is a VERY common, if not one of the most common everyday things that defile people.
The way to handle residual sadness is the same way you handle every other negative thought or attitude that creeps up in you. Paul says casting down every thought and imagination that exalteth itself above the knowledge of Christ. Cast down and cast out that residual sadness because it can become anger and very soon can become an action.
If I say I have forgiven someone who terribly wronged me and I insist the person must steer clear of me, should not cross my path and I don’t want to see him for life gain, am I living in unforgiveness?
When you insist that those who have wronged you should steer clear of you, you have already gone too far. Unforgiveness is a sin. You would have opened the door for the enemy when you refused to mend fences with those that wronged you. A lot of things could go wrong in an environment of unforgiveness. James 3:16 says ‘’ For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.’’
You can define relationships going forward, BUT do not give room for hatred. This is because the Christian life is not a religious exercise, but a lifestyle. You are not called to love only those who love you. No, you are called to love every person. For as long as you are in this earthly body, offences will come. How long will you avoid people because you don’t want to get hurt? You will meet them every day and everywhere. We are people and we live in a people’s world. When you refuse to forgive totally and completely – you are living in unforgiveness.
Understand that when you forgive, it puts you in a receiving position when you pray (Mark 11:24, 25). It helps you to become spiritually fruitful (John 15:10, 12, 5), and you will know that we have passed from spiritual death to being reconciled with your heavenly Father when you love others (1 John 3:14) When you keep God’s commandments and love one another, you prove that you love Jesus (John 14:21), and you abide in Christ’s love (John 15:10).
What a magnificent blessing forgiveness really is!
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