MY HUSBAND AND I MADE A COVENANT TOGETHER IN 1970 AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAD WAS STOLEN – Emma Lou Maxey

One of the factors that drew our attention to Emma Lou Maxey for an interview is the credibility and contributions of her husband, Gary Maxey, preacher, author, mentor and founder of New Beginnings International Church and West Africa Theological Seminary (WATS). When you find a man doing so wonderfully well in his chosen field of endeavour, don’t look too far. Check the woman behind him. When a man is blessed with a good wife and mother of his children, half of his challenges are solved. He has time to concentrate on the other half to the pride of the family and the ministry. In this so-called season of love, this interview was sought for to unravel who the wife of Gary Maxey is, her contributions, views, the home front and love for Gary. It is a revealing discussion women should to read and study, if they desire to see their husbands achieve greatly like our inimitable Gary Maxey. Excerpts from an interview conducted by Bola Adewara.

When we talk about love between husband and wife, what do we mean? How can we simply explain love?
In the Greek there are three words for love. One is Phileo, and it means friendship or brotherly love, which should be part of marital love. A wife and husband should be “best friends,” as we sometimes say. The second is Eros, which means sexual love. According to the biblical standard, this type of love should be expressed exclusively within marriage.  Agape, the third, is the self-giving and compassionate love of almighty God and is available to all of us. It is often needed in the pressures of marriage.

From your observations both in America and in Africa, do people understand and conduct love the proper way? Between the two environments, where do you prefer?
Often, love is confused with lust – the desire to have my desires, ambition or sexual desires fulfilled before the right time or circumstances. True love is self-giving and it cares about the purpose and goals of others. In many places in the U.S. these days the foundation of love and marriage has broken down, and now that thinking is starting to come to Nigeria.

Today marital love and sex are acceptable in many circles before marriage and also between the same sexes. But the end of self-gratification without regard for others or God brings depression, despair and death.  It is a shame that some Churches in the U.S. are marrying and even ordaining homosexuals. I am embarrassed and ashamed for America. I pray that it will turn around.

What are the qualities a bachelor and a spinster should look out for in each other when proposing to pick a spouse?
Single people should look for godly character qualities in the opposite sex. These include ideals such as honesty, humility, generosity, and compassion. Before thinking of marriage, solid Christian counseling is helpful to uncover inner pain and to resolve hindrances to love. Many marriages are in trouble because of problems that happened before their marriage even started.  Even when godly, young people come together for marriage, they need to learn how to resolve barriers to their love in a scriptural way.

When people say love is blind, what does that mean? Is love truly blind?
 There is a special magic or power to falling in love. When my husband first saw me, he said, “I will marry that woman.” So he saw all my good qualities, my beauty, and my attractiveness. However, during midlife, when all hell broke loose in our marriage, his love was not blind. In spite of my brokenness, terror and rage, he refused to stop loving me. He saw our lives through faith after the storm and refused to give into hatred, vindictiveness and revenge.

You followed your husband all the way from America to Africa and both of you agreed to live here for the rest of your lives. Not all women would agree to that. What made you stay with Dr. Gary Maxey? What made you agree to leave a better environment like America for an underdeveloped arena like Nigeria?
 Actually, I had the call to be a missionary to Africa before my husband. I had wanted a missionary call as a youth, like my sisters, but I thought Gary Maxey would always be a missionary to Latin America. So when God called me to Africa, after the birth of our four children, I laughed and said, “God, how are you going to do this one?”

Living in Africa for 35 years has not always been easy. In fact, at a point it broke me down. But the sense of purpose, of making a difference and of changing lives has been great. I would love to live at least another 20 years here because of the possibilities are so great for building the kingdom of God.

In the past, when I would travel back to the US there were times I refused to come back to Nigeria. However, it was not because of the conditions here, but because of the unhealed wounds in my own heart. Rick Warren’s Celebrate Recovery programme and the counseling of John Regier were greatly used of God to help me heal. Even today, at West Africa Theological Seminary, every Wednesday from 1:00-2:00 we have a Celebrate Recovery meeting where this healing is shared with others.

Someone said marriage is a continuous process of forgiveness. Is that true? How can a woman develop a forgiving heart?
I totally agree that marriage is a continuous process of forgiveness. For years I tried to forgive my husband, but because I had smothered my heart, I did not know how to give my pain to Jesus and take back the ground of bitterness I had given in to the enemy. I believe the words “I am sorry, please forgive me” are even more important in marriage than “I love you.” The first 25 years of marriage, I kept packing the pain in the basement of my heart. Now I continually practise scriptural methods of resolving bitterness and live in peace in my marriage.

What is your observation of women and wives in Nigeria? If you were to speak to women in the Church, what would you tell them?
 I believe the greatest gift a married woman has is to love and care for her husband and her children. But the goal of most Nigerian women I know is to have a powerful job or an impressive ministry. The only thing I have that will last into eternity are my children and my husband. I believe after God they should be of more importance than others around us.

I believe it is a great deception of the enemy for women to devote 95% of their talents and time to things that will be destroyed in a few years when they pass into eternity. My daughter and son-in-law raised their children in such a way that at least one of them was with them at all times. They did not have a maid or nanny to handle their “jewels.” I believe they were wise.

My husband and I made a covenant together in 1970 after everything we had was stolen. We said we would focus our lives on things that can never be stolen—the kingdom of heaven, education, travel, etc. “Lay not up for yourselves treasures on earth. But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven.” I feel sorry for our women who are only building treasures for time. Many women are going to be so poor in heaven.  Now is the time to make an investment.

What is your position on Valentine? Some Churches in Nigeria celebrate Valentine’s Day in the Church. Is this acceptable to you?
Last year we put a nice backdrop in our Church and took pictures of couples for Valentine Sunday. The women’s fellowship had a Valentine Brunch. Love is the greatest commandment, according to the Lord Jesus Christ. Our greatest purpose is to love God and to love others as ourselves. Yes, love is at the heart of God’s true Church.

However, when lust, selfishness and the world come into the Valentine’s Day it is taken over by the enemy. But the Church can celebrate the pure meaning of marital love as described in the Song of Solomon. I believe it is the Church’s privilege and responsibility to build up marriages through counseling, seminars and special messages.

Your marriage will be 50 years this year and your husband 70. Could you tell us lessons you have learnt in life?
 My marriage to Rev. Dr. Gary S. Maxey and my ministry to Africa almost ended a few years back. I had an elephant of pain in my soul and did not know how to offload it. By God’s grace and through the prayers of our children and our friends, we got in touch with a Christian Pastor and counselor in Colorado, John Regier, who gave us a biblical guide for recovery. God used it to bring us back to healing.

How to handle the hurts of life? This is of great importance in marriage. For many years I had a yam band full of painful pictures of wrongs done to me. But 1 Cor. 13:5 says, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” Through my lack of knowing how to let go of my hurts, I gave the enemy a “topos” (a ground, Ephesians 4:27) to stand on in my soul. He nearly finished me because of this. I say to all our dear Christian wives, know your heart. Know the pain there. Give the pain to Jesus. Forgive your husband. Keep forgiving him. Remember he has to forgive you, too.

When you were young, did you plan to live your life the way you have lived it, working for God? If you had a second chance to live, would you live it this way again?
 I was blessed with parents that wanted to be missionaries but felt God had asked them to raise missionaries. Most of their children have done missionary work and one of them for almost 50 years. Yes, I embraced a great respect for the ministry as a young person.

Affluence in the U.S. and here in Nigeria does not appeal to me at all. I see firsthand both parents working, owning big homes, but having almost no time or energy to live together with their family. I am so rich in time spent with my awesome husband. He may be writing or teaching or preaching most of the time, but I am near to encourage and strengthen him.

God has been so kind to forgive me of some huge mistakes and to let me influence others for His glory and honour. I deserve to be in hell today, but God has poured out His blessings on me. I live in “Emma Lou Maxey” house on “Emma Lou Maxey” Avenue near West Africa Theological Seminary.

Tell us about yourself, your young days, marriage to Dr. Gary, your children and what else you desire to do before going to be with the Lord.
 What a joy it is to have four children who along with their spouses are running after Jesus! They are engineers, educators, nurses and home builders. I am proud of each of them. I am so thankful for God’s grace in helping them to care about others in their communities for the glory of God.

As I said earlier, Gary fell in love with me the day he saw me, but I wasn’t so sure. I thought he might be a bookworm. I had come to the small Bible College where his father was the president. We had a workday and I was in the cafeteria doing some jobs when Gary came in sweating and thirsty. I thought to myself, “Good; he is a hard worker.” Then I heard him play a spectacular concerto on an old piano. He just took my heart away. I could not help myself; I loved him.

However, there was a problem. I believed God wanted me to marry a minister and Gary was not called into the ministry. He was attending a secular university. I did not tell him how I felt, and I asked my friends to keep their mouths shut. But the word leaked and now I was the butt of jokes. “How did I know I would get married? Who ever heard of a call to be a Pastor’s wife?” That was a big problem for me. Before long Gary broke off our relationship. I thought it wasn’t a big deal. But for ten months my heart was broken and I knew I loved him.  So when he came back to ask that we continue our relationship, I knew I must know God’s will. I knew Gary was my husband after some time of serious prayer.

This year I am taking classes at WATS to get a Master’s degree. WATS will soon begin offering online education, and I want to be able to contribute. If God gives me several more years I can teach. Also, I want to keep being part of Rick Warren’s great Celebrate Recovery programme both at WATS and in my Church. In addition, I have the joy of counseling marriages with my husband and with other women. In short, there is still a lot of work to do for Jesus.