Many people have been going through untold pains in abusive marriages from time immemorial. Many of them have remained in such marriages because of fe
Many people have been going through untold pains in abusive marriages from time immemorial. Many of them have remained in such marriages because of fear of the stigma of being seen as matrimonial failures. 
Some, for the sake of their children, while others, because the Church opposes divorce. In the process of remaining in abusive marriages, some people have developed life-threatening medical conditions like high blood pressure, while others have lost their lives from beatings and the use of weapons during physical confrontations. How should the Church respond to the matter of physical abuse in marriages? Is divorce an option? As a father or mother, how would you react to the continued physical abuse of your child in a marriage? E-life discusses this topic with Christians across Africa. Here is a report put together by Dr Bola Adewara.
IF THE SITUATION PERSISTS, THEN THE CHURCH CAN BE CALLED TO INTERVENE
Physical abuse in marriage always happens mainly among those not born again. God said He hates divorce, which I also hate. What God has joined together, let no one put asunder. 
The statement of Jesus in Matthew 18 gives an insight on how to settle disputes, but when it comes to husband and wife, the two must first repent of their mistakes and seek His face and let them forgive one another as well. Relationships entail forgiveness, for both partners are not born of the same father and mother. If the situation persists, then the Church can be called to intervene. We have had such an experience, and the Church’s intervention has saved many marriages from resulting in divorce.
* Rev. Timothy Agbe, Lagos.
SUCH A PERSON MUST BE REMOVED FROM HARM IMMEDIATELY UNTIL SAFETY IS GUARANTEED
* Prophetess Magaret Ade Mayaki
Physical abuse in marriage should not be taken lightly. In marriage, there will be misunderstandings and quarrels. That is normal. But when it degenerates to physical beatings, leading to injuries, that is another level. Such a person must be removed from harm immediately until safety is guaranteed. Many women have been killed due to the sentiments of staying to salvage the marriage. Security is essential to save lives first.
* Prophetess Magaret Ade Mayaki, London.
I ADVOCATE FOR SEPARATION, NOT NECESSARILY DIVORCE, IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES TO SAVE LIVES
* Emmanuel Parbey
Physical abuse and divorce are consequences of sin’s effects on marriage.
As much as the Bible teaches us not to divorce, it also clearly frowns on the spousal abuse of every nature. I believe the Church must be forthcoming with practical solutions to this menace that is destroying homes and the lives of many men, women and even children. In situations where abusive spouses are unrelenting in their behaviours, the Church and state should step in to provide safe havens for the victims. Where necessary, the victims must be separated from their abusers to save their lives. In summary, I advocate for separation, not necessarily divorce, in abusive relationships and marriages to save lives.
Emmanuel Parbey, Accra Ghana.
I HAVE STOPPED BLAMING PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR A DIVORCE. ONLY THEY CAN EXPLAIN WHAT THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED THAT LED TO SUCH DECISIONS
* Mrs. Larin Ashaolu
Divorce is not an option that should be readily jumped at, nor is physical abuse palatable for any spouse. If you marry an abusive spouse, you need to apply wisdom or thread cautiously anytime you disagree with him.
If your life is being threatened with regular beatings and sustaining injuries regularly, you don’t need to wait until death happens before you quit. The first step is to seek separation to see if things could improve. I have stopped blaming people who ask for a divorce.
Only they can explain what they have experienced that led to such decisions. Indeed, some people leave for flimsy excuses, but for those who have gone through some forms of abuse, especially physical abuse or sexual abuse in the hand of a spouse who is a drug addict or sexual perverts, they live to tell the stories.
As a mother, there are levels of abuse; any spousal abuse that will affect your being alive should be discontinued.
Mrs. Larin Ashaolu, Lagos.
When does for better or worse apply in marriage?
If your marriage is above 10 years, congratulations!
IF THE ABUSE CONTINUES, THERE MAY BE A NEED FOR DIVORCE TO SAVE THE OTHER PARTNER’S LIFE
* Bishop Olumide
When the couple cannot manage their marriage, resulting in physical abuse, proactive steps need to be taken to call the man or woman in question to order. If the abuse continues, there may be a need for divorce to save the other partner’s life because it will be more painful if it results in loss of life.
My advice for the young ones planning to marry is to study their partner well with prayer and not be carried away by gifts and money given during courtships.
Bishop Olumide
I WOULD NOT ENCOURAGE ANYBODY TO ENDURE ANY ABUSIVE MARRIAGE
Mrs. Peggy Osagie
Reasons some people remain in abusive, life-threatening marriages are:
1. The fear of what the society and Church will say.
2. When a woman doesn’t have a source of income.
3. Afraid of what may become of the children.
4. Their perception of what the scriptures say about marriage and divorce.
5. Comparison with other couples, hoping that their union may be like others who have successful marriages one day.
I would not encourage anybody to endure any abusive marriage despite all these. God does not entangle anyone with a yoke. If a relationship is persistently life-threatening, I will advise both couples to part.
Peggy Osagie, Lagos.
IF WE LOOK AT SOCIETAL STIGMA OR RELIGION, OUR DAUGHTERS WILL SUFFER OR EVEN DIE
* Evangelist Bola Salami
I think the Church is in a difficult position to address it because of God’s stand against divorce. As a mother and an Evangelist, I stand against physical abuse. I will talk to my child to let me know if the husband is abusing her, and if it persists, I will have a dialogue with the husband’s parents so they can call him to order. If he continues, I will tell my daughter to give him space for some time for him to be sober.
If we look at societal stigma or religion, our daughters will suffer or even die. I will not encourage any woman to stay in an abusive marriage until they lose their life. Let us apply wisdom in handling this case. God is the determinant of who will make heaven by His grace. So many women have lost their lives, leaving behind the same children they remain in an abusive marriage. And the Nigerian mentality will not allow the law to take its course. When a man beats his wife to death, all you hear is, I don’t want to send the father of my grandchildren to prison.
In conclusion, women should be told to speak up and carry both families along at the initial stage of the abuse to intervene before it is too late. Women, be wise and be a mandatory reporter of yourself to the appropriate authority to help you.
Evangelist Bola Salami, Maryland USA.
WHEN THE SITUATION … IS LIKELY TO LEAD TO THE DEATH, SEPARATION AND DIVORCE COULD BE AN OPTION
* Dr (Mrs) Adesola Phillips
When beating is involved in a marriage, physical abuse is established. However, beyond physical abuse, there are several waves of abuse like emotional trauma, sex denial, neglect, married but being very lonely, etc. such that can affect the physical and mental state. This can also be categorized as physical abuse. When the situation described above is likely to lead to the death of either party, separation and divorce could be an option.
Dr (Mrs) Adesola Phillips,
EPIC Seminary University, Lagos.
TILL DEATH DO US PART DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOUR SPOUSE MUST CAUSE YOUR DEATH
* Mfon Udoema
God’s perfect will in marriage is that married couples should be married till death do them part. However, certain conditions can bring about separation and, in severe cases, divorce. Abuse can be emotional, physical or otherwise. Physical abuse can be grounds for separation or even divorce in marriage.
* It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. Proverbs 25:24 NLT.
* It is better to dwell in a desert land than with a contentious and troublesome woman. Proverbs 21:19
These passages in Proverbs imply that one should separate when a marriage becomes chaotic with contention and violence. The essence of the separation is to seek Godly counsel to address the issues causing the abuse. If, after many trials, issues cannot be resolved due to the hardness of the hearts of the couple involved, then there will be no other option but divorce. Separation and divorce are painful and hard realities some people will have to face to stay alive. It is life first before love. Life first before marriage. Till death do us part does not mean that your spouse must cause your death. It is better to divorce than to die by force.
Mfonobong Anietie Udoema,
Restoration Ministry International (Prosperity Palace),
Uyo, Akwa Ibom State.
I HAVE BEEN ADVISING PEOPLE IN SUCH ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS TO TEMPORARILY SEPARATE TO SAVE THEIR LIVES
* Godwin E Morka
As a Christian and Pastor, my first instinct is to say that marriage is sacrosanct, and that there should be no divorce, no matter what. However, because of rampant domestic violence and its consequences, such as psychological and physical injuries and death, I have been advising people in such abusive relationships to temporarily separate to save their lives and let elders, Church, and time intervene. If, after all efforts, the situation does not change, the abused partner can get the review and permission of the Church to divorce. They can decide to stay unmarried or marry if the Church so permits.
However, the fundamental problem is that the foundations of many marriages are faulty, based on primordial considerations rather than the will of God. It’s not old-fashioned to seek the face of God before choosing a life partner. God is very interested in marriage, and He is still the only reliable matchmaker.
Godwin E Morka, Abuja.
IF THE ABUSE PERSISTS, A MORE EXTENDED SEPARATION PERIOD SHOULD BE ADVOCATED
* Kunle Adelaja
The Church should condemn in strong terms any form of abuse, whether physical, emotional or mental. We all presumed women are the ones that are abused because there are bruises or scars to prove the abuse. Many men have also completely lost their self-esteem as a result of mental abuse meted on them by their wives. If physical abuse persists after counselling and cautioning, the abused partner should be advised to take some time off the relationship. This is to avoid things getting out of hand that may result in permanent injury or death of any couple.
The temporary separation should be a time for the parties to re-evaluate their relationship. The Church and parents should continue to pray for the couple. The abusive partner should be encouraged to go through anger management sessions during this period. If the situation persists, a more extended separation period should be advocated. God hates divorce and so should not be an option unless there are other fundamental grounds for it. Such fundamental ground like non-disclosure of sexual status, etc. can be considered a ground for divorce because the foundation of the marriage is based on falsehood. There should be room for forgiveness, but that is a decision for the aggrieved party to take.
Kunle Adelaja, Lagos.
IF TEMPORARY SEPARATION WOULD SAVE LIVES, IT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AND EXPLORED
Abusive marriages are, in most cases, the fallout from unequal yoke in unions, which the Word of God warns us against. On issues like this, it is recommended that Christians who find themselves in one should first and foremost seek, pray for the salvation of the abusive partner. While waiting for God for the miracle of salvation, however, efforts should be made to preserve life by all means. Each case would present its challenges and possible solutions. Although divorce should be avoided as much as possible, if temporary separation would save lives, it should be considered and explored with moral, emotional and spiritual support from friends and relatives, both physical and spiritual.
Bishop Elijah Bankole
CHURCH CAN NOT STAND ON THE “NO DIVORCE PRINCIPLE” WHEN LIFE-THREATENING SITUATIONS ARE INVOLVED
* Rev. Segun Akanbi
That God is involved in a union does not make it crisis-proof. However, when there are issues like abusing and inflicting injuries on the partner, it should be seen as a great assault from the pit of hell. What is recommended should be physical separation.
The Church can not stand on the “no divorce principle” when life-threatening situations are involved. The moment the life of one partner is in danger, counsel must be offered for the endangered to disengage. No one prays for divorce to be the culture, but I don’t think divorce can make a person unusable for God or for one to go to hell as a result.
If one pulls out of a marriage and such is ready to carry their cross and follow Christ in holiness, righteousness and fear of God, I believe such will make heaven, at last, realise their faults, reconcile and come together again. If in a case where God was not part of it at all, we will recommend a break between the two, so physical separation is first allowed, what happened after will indicate if divorce will be the solution.
Rev. Segun Akanbi, Anglican Church, Lagos.
IF IT IS LIFE-THREATENING, WE CAN SEEK THE INTERVENTION OF GOVERNMENT AGENCIES TO CHECK THE TROUBLE MAKER AND APPROPRIATE ACTION IS TAKEN TO AVOID DEATH
* Pastor Fati Bello
Marriage is a sacred institution ordained by God, and some principles will make it work. The Bible is the manual from which these principles are derived.
Abuse in marriages always happens in an ungodly family. When it happens, the church leaders will counsel the couple in a godly manner based on the principles specified above and pray with them. In any case, if it is life-threatening, we can seek the intervention of government agencies to check the trouble maker and appropriate action is taken to avoid death. A church CAN NOT suggest divorce because it is contrary to the will of God (Gen 2 vs 24. Mark 10 vs 5 – 9)
Pastor Fati Bello, Lagos.
IF THE HUSBAND REMAINS RECALCITRANT, NOT READY TO CHANGE, OR REFUSES ALL COUNSEL, MY DAUGHTER WILL STAY OFF
* Pastor Christopher Ikebuwa
God hates physical abuse, wife or husband battering. Whatever threatens the peace of anyone in marriage is hated by God because it’s contrary to the love of God. When life-threatening abuse is involved, no parent of the abused would want his ward to remain in that marriage. If we as humans feel this way, what about God? There are laws in many nations made by man (governments) that have criminalised physical abuses. This is to show that physical abuse is dehumanising and can’t be accepted.
I can’t have a daughter who is being abused, and her life is threatened to remain in the marriage. I will separate her from such a husband for a while to look into the matter. And if the husband remains recalcitrant, not ready to change, or refuses all counsel, my daughter will stay off for a long time. And if there is no brokenness on the part of the man, I will accept that that marriage is gone.
Matthew 18:15-17 can be applied here for an authentic/permanent separation. And if that – verse 17 is reached, she is already declared free from that marriage. Her husband is regarded as an unbeliever. It doesn’t matter if he speaks in tongues. He becomes an unbeliever because of the hardening of the heart.
RE-MARRIAGE:
Now imagine one’s daughter, still very young and vibrant, and many now say, she shouldn’t remarry? NO! She’s very free to remarry. She has her choice to remain or to remarry, just like every other person has the choice to marry or not marry. God won’t force anyone to or not to marry.
In conclusion, the late Kenneth E Hagin had a sister who was absolutely refused by her husband who didn’t want her anymore. God sent Kenneth Hagin to him and he bluntly refused, even though he acknowledged that his decision wasn’t right. After a while, his sister remarried, and unfortunately, many ministers of the gospel kicked against it, but guess what God spoke to Kenneth E Hagin, that, his sister did the right thing. This story is in one of his old books – Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage.
The problem with many of our churches is that we have used our church doctrines to blanket the complete Word of God over the issues of divorce and re-marriage. I think it’s mostly because people take one verse of scripture and make a lot of other interpretations out of it, without looking into the other two or three scriptures for balancing.
Pastor Christopher Ikebuwa,
Grace Finishers Assembly, Lagos.
NO FATHER OR MOTHER WOULD PRAY TO BURY HIS OR HER CHILD. I SUPPORT SEPARATION, IF THE AGGRESSIVE PARTY REFUSES TO LISTEN TO ADVICE
* Femi Simeon Abulude
There are many avenues to settle marital crises. The first is the parents. I do not think that parents should not interfere in the marital issues of their children because they would also be a direct recipient of the outcome of the crises. Then the Church: If the couple are Christians, and their Pastor and Church marriage counsellors were involved right from the onset, they should settle the crisis. The counselling job is continuous. If they notice any crack in the marriage, they must mend it. If everything fails and physical abuse prevails, the best thing is separation. We have seen many cases of murders, manslaughters and suicides. These were caused because society frowns at divorce and separation. Mostly, the women endure until the worst happens.
In conclusion, no father or mother would pray to bury his or her child. I support separation, if the aggressive party refuses to listen to advice. During this period, there is the possibility of arriving at a lasting solution and possible reconciliation. The distance of separation may bring sanity, repentance and reconciliation.
Femi Simeon Abulude, Pastor, RCCG, Lagos.
WOMEN ARE NOT REHABILITATION CENTRES FOR BADLY RAISED MEN
* Bishop Rosecollect Haastrup
Physical abuse is wrong in marriage. In this part of the world, it is usually the men that physically abuse the wife. The reason for this abuse might not be ascertained most times because the husband might feel jealous of the wife and might not know how to express it. Some men already have an inferiority complex towards the wife especially when she earns more than him or higher place than him. Not all men can handle it. Some will read meaning to every meaningless thing just to show that they are in control, but every man who physically abuses the wife has breached the vow of the marriage.
Many so-called Christians use Ephesians 5 to ask the woman to submit, but the Lord in the earlier verse said both husband and wife should submit to one another in love. So, the Church must begin to talk about it and preach against it. But even some pastors today batter their wives. So, who is going to correct who?
I don’t pray my daughter falls into such hands, but if it happens, first, I will give the man a thorough warning, and if he continues, I go and pick up my daughter from his house. I would rather have her alive than dead in the name of marriage. Some people say divorce is not good, yes, but it is better to stay apart than be killed.
It is high time we knew that women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men. So, every parent must train their children in the way of the Lord knowing that they are raising future husbands.
Some men that refuse their wife to work is all in a bid of controlling her and that is an aspect of abuse in marriage. How can a learned woman with so many expectations be grounded at home in the name of marriage and taking care of the kids? The advice that when the man is talking, the woman should not talk, that is enslavement, a lord-servant relationship. We should be able to discuss and air our differences. That does not reduce us. Respect and love for each other are very important.
Bishop Rosecollect Haastrup, Lagos
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