Male singlehood is fast becoming the norm in our society, and since it takes two to tangle, if our young men are increasingly becoming
Male singlehood is fast becoming the norm in our society, and since it takes two to tangle, if our young men are increasingly becoming apathetic with marriage—the ladies would become the victims at the end of the day. As a pastor and mentor to a lot of people, my counselling sessions coupled with my years of professional experience have helped me to glean out the following nuggets for our men—nuggets that would help them re-discover themselves and avoid the pitfalls that can keep them single for a much longer time than necessary. Join me as we go through the following nine critical issues that can keep a young Christian man unmarried.
1 The Slave-Searchers
Some Christian men are actually not looking for wives, but slaves and servants. They are finding the right women—but cannot find the right slaves whom they can crush, demote, push down and lord it over—courtesy of the predominantly bad African culture of female enslavement and male superiority. Brother, your wife is not your servant. You are the head, but not a superior gender. Wake up, humble yourself and come out of this servant-master relationship model of marriage. It is ungodly, un-Christian and unscriptural. May you not be married to a slave.
2 Societal Conformers
Some Christian men have remained single due to the enormous societal pressure on the male gender to attain a certain level of comfort prior to getting married. Most of your role models are rich senators; rich politicians; rich young pastors; and rich movie celebrities. Of course, you need to have the minimum ability necessary to take care of your family, but not by over-burdening yourself with the desire to be a house owner or to be employed by Microsoft before getting married. What you do not have now, you will have tomorrow. My wife married me as a potential. I had no job; but an MBA; the fear of God; a large heart; a strong vision and a sweet mouth. These five combinations can set the world on fire. Today, the story has changed completely. Start small and grow big. The only house that is built from the top is the graveyard. Do not kill yourself with the burden to be rich before getting married. If your present job is good enough to take care of your family, go ahead and find one of our sisters.
3 The Baby-Fatherhood Generation
There is an endemic culture of baby-fatherhood in African society now. Sadly, some Christian brothers are in the production line of baby-fatherhood. The logic is, “if I can have babies without being married, why do I need to trouble myself with the hard work and huge responsibility of marriage? Thus—society is fuelling the baby-father and baby-mother pandemic. Ultimately, society is churning out a lot of irresponsible men who only go after women’s sexuality—impregnate them—dump them and move on. For the Christian brother, it is called, “FORNICATION”. You can never be the best father to that baby outside of the confines of marriage, and these children would grow up not having strong role models to learn from—and could later become burdens and liabilities to society.
4 Allegiance to Church Leaders
There are Christian brothers who have strong allegiances to church leaders and consequently must dare not marry anyone outside of their ministries. They are keyboardists, choir leaders, parish pastors etc. to big churches. Some of them have found the right people outside of their present churches. They want someone very neutral and do not want to start any relationship within their church space. But their mentors have stood up vehemently against their choices. Some of these mentors want to be the ones choosing the sisters for the men. Thus, the men are stagnant—and are now frustrating the strategic positioning of ladies in these churches—choosing to either marry their choices, outside of their ministries or remain singles. Daddies, please release these people to follow their hearts.
5 In Search for an Angel
Some single Christian men are searching for angels—but refusing to go to where they live—heaven. Time and again, they are forever looking for a perfect woman. No woman is good enough. She is too slim; she is too big; she is too aggressive; she is too calm. Her waist is slim; her front is this; her back is that. They have cast on the tables of their hearts, very unrealistic lists of what they want in a woman. Some of them are tampering with the emotions of a lot of single sisters—sending them endearing and leading text messages—and shattering their hopes at the slightest discovery of a fault. The only place where angels live is heaven. Every woman and every man is a work-in-progress. God never gives anyone a complete product. You only need a woman that fears God; loves you and your family and respects your vision and person. The others remain your responsibility to complete.
6 Trade by Barter Generation
Some Christian men are actually doing “Trade by barter”. Cast on the tables of their hearts is the following, “I need a US, Canadian or UK citizen” who can give me papers. If you give me your citizenship, I will marry you. We have several cases of single Christian sisters in the UK; USA and Canada who have been used and dumped by these kinds of men. For some, they are looking for rich Christian sisters whom they can exploit, deceive, and capture. It is about what they can get from the woman. They look spiritual, but they are predators—looking for the most fertile grounds to exploit. They are not singles because they do not have options, but because they have not found the right prey.
7 Sexually Perverse
Some single Christian brothers are living in fornication and all manners of sexual perversion. They have been trapped by casual sex. Many of them are singles not because there are no eligible sisters, but because they are caught in the web of sexual pervasion and getting married will disrupt their sinister sexual agendas.
8 Past Experience of Failed Relationships
Some single Christian men are suffering from the trauma of the failed relationships of close friends and family m
embers. They watched how their friends’ marriages collapsed, or how their friends’ wives badly treated them. For some, they grew up in a family of abuse. Their mums ruined their dads, and the fear is now stuck to their hearts, making them always say, “I can’t risk what my dad risked that cost him his life at 40”. Thus, the fear of failure and possible abuse has tied them down. They are under very severe trauma—and will need to pray themselves out of these negative psychological influences, and probably visit mental health consultants and psychologists to free themselves of the past.
9 Time Factor
For some single Christian men, it is purely a matter of time. They have got a very special assignment in life. They cannot just marry anyone. They will pioneer a major ministry; be a major inventor; be a major leader in the nation; be sent by God as a missionary to a very difficult part of Africa. They cannot dare to marry just any woman. God will plant in them the restriction for just anyone until the right person shows up. For these people, they need to be very careful not to cave in under societal pressure for quick marriage.
Above all, all single Christian men should know that we are no longer living in 1870. Women, including Christian women, are much wiser, smarter, and intelligent now. They will screen you very well. The servant-master model of marriage inherited from many of our fathers would fall like a pack of cards if introduced to this generation. As Christian men, we must be exactly like Christ by respecting women; and being a man of character in word and also indeed. A man is not anyone who wears trousers, but people who shape good values; people who lead families; people who raise strong role models, and people who exhibit integrity at the highest level. Women are waiting for the right men. This negative mindset that says, “all women are evil” will only stereotype your mind to miss out on God’s plan. Regardless of our decaying culture, there are still many godly women out there who are waiting to be found. They are only avoiding the risk of being found by an exploiter or by a deceiver. Will you be the right man?
Ayo Akerele holds a doctorate degree in Employee Turnover, Human Capital Development and Organizational Tacit Knowledge from the prestigious Edinburgh Business School. He could be reached at ayoakerele@hotmail.com
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