WHAT A FUNNY WORLD! If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, why are whales FAT? Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND?
WHAT A FUNNY WORLD!
If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, why are whales FAT?
Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND?
Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to DIE?
Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess as the WHITE piece is moved FIRST?
In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH, then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS?
If money doesn’t grow on TREES then why do banks have BRANCHES?
Why doesn’t GLUE stick to its BOTTLE?
Why do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?
If it’s true that we are here to HELP others, what are others HERE for?
Why round pizza come in square box?
If you aren’t supposed to DRINK and DRIVE why do bars have PARKING lots?
We all are living in a seriously funny world!
FUNNY and INSPIRING!!!
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport. As she would need to wait many hours, she decided to buy a book to spend her time. She also bought a packet of cookies. She sat down in an… armchair, in the VIP room of the airport, to rest and read in peace. Beside the armchair where the packet of cookies lay, a man sat down in the next seat, ope…ned his magazine and started reading. When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also. She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I was in the mood I would punch him for daring!” For each cookie she took, the man took one too. This was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene. When only one cookie remained, she thought: “ah…What would this abusive man do now?” Then, the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one half. Ah! That was too much! She was much too angry now! In a huff, she insulted the man, took her book, her things and stormed to the boarding place. When she sat down in her seat, inside the plane, she looked into her bag to take her eyeglasses, and, to her surprise her packet of cookies was there, untouched, unopened!
She felt so ashamed!! She realized that she was wrong… She had forgotten that her cookies were
in her bag. The man had shared his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter.
…while she had been very angry, thinking that she was sharing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself…nor to apologize.”
There are 4 things that you cannot recover.
The cake…
…after it’s eaten!
The word…
…after it’s said!
The occasion…
… after the loss!
The time…
…after it’s gone!
IT’S NOT LATE TO SUCCEED
ALL winners, champions and great achievers were at the bottom sometime…before they rose to the TOP of their game. YOU CAN.
Read these:
I was raped at the age of 9″ – Oprah
“I didn’t even complete my University Education” – Bill Gates
“In my childhood days, I stitched shoes” – Abraham Lincoln
“I struggled academically throughout elementary school” – Ben Carson
“I used to serve tea at a shop to support my football training” – Lionel Messi
“I used to sleep on the floor in friends’ rooms, returning Coke bottles for food money, and getting weekly free meals at a local temple” – Steve Jobs
“My teachers used to call me a failure” – Tony Blair
Life is not about what you couldn’t do so far, it’s about WHAT YOU STILL CAN!
Hope to see your name on that list soon.
THE MYSTERIOUS GOD! UNQUESTIONABLE GOD!
A fellow becomes an MD at 38 and dies at 56, another becomes MD at 55 and lives to 90! Wha a life.
My dear, life is full of twists, turns, ups and downs and many more surprises and disappointments.
Life offers each one of us different opportunities. It’s up to each of us to patiently prepare, wait, recognise and utilize every opportunity.
We learn on the way. No one knows it all or has it better. The devil always uses that lie over and over to discourage and make us surrender but that’s just it- A LIE.
There is a reason why we all don’t fall and d same time. It’s so that when one is down, weak and discouraged, d other, who is strong, can encourage and uplift him. God never promised that the road would be easy but He promised never to leave nor forsake us (Matt 16:33)
There’s no competition in life so let’s learn to go easy on ourselves and trust that God is working it all 4 good (even if it doesn’t make sense now).
I know that there is a time for everything but most importantly, that “it will come to pass”. Whatever trials, challenges or down time, this too shall pass & in due course, u’ll be up & strong again to lift up those who maybe down around you”.
Lots of things in life are by choice and not by force. Let’s try and have an amazing and forward looking life.
God walks with us. We deny His presences but He is always there.
Once there was a young girl who decided 2 take a short cut home from school. The fastest way 2 her house was to cut thru an alley. The girl approached the alley way. She saw a man standing like he was waiting 4 some1. She said a prayer: “Dear God pls lead me thru dis alleyway, safe & unharmed. Amen.” The girl walked thru the alley & past the man. Later on d@ night the girl decided 2 watch the news. She saw that man had murdered and raped a young girl. The police said the man told them another girl had passed thru the alley 10mins before. They asked him why he didn’t attack the first girl. He said there was a man walking beside her.
God walks with us. We deny His presences but He is always there.
NA WAh! 4 DIS RICH PEOPLE OOOOO.
I went with a friend 2 visit a friend
from a very rich family in VI, Lagos . When we entered , d
maid
… approached me n asked :
MAID: what wud u like 2 drink ?
Fruit juice , yogurt , tea, chocolate ,
capp or coffee ?
ME: Tea plz
MAID: Ceylon tea, India tea, herbal tea,
kerichon gold tea, bush tea, green tea?
ME: Ceylon tea plz
MAID: how do u want it, black or white?
ME: White
MAID: Milk or fresh cream?
ME: with Milk
MAID: Goat Milk or Cow Milk?
ME: Cow Milk
MAID: Freezland cow or afrikner cow?
ME: hmmm , let me go with d Freezland cow.
Maid; would u like it with Sweetener, Sugar or honey?
ME: Sugar
MAID: bee sugar or Cane Sugar?
ME: Cane sugar
MAID: White, brown or yellow sugar ?
ME: Abeg , forget about d tea, just give me a glass of water .
MAID: Mineral, Tap or distilled water ?
ME: Mineral water
MAID: Flavoured or non flavoured?
ME: Infact get Me an empty glass .
MAID: U want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME: Abeg , free me, make i swallow ma spit…e
MAID: Can I ON AC for u or fan?
ME: AC
MAID: LG, SAMSUNG, THERMOCOOL or ROYAL
ME: ROYAL
MAID: cold, warm or heat.
ME: see, never mind, am ok lik dis HAHAHAHAHAHA…NA WA OOOO.
BEFORE MARRIAGE
Boy- At least, I can hardly wait!
Gilr- Do u want me to leave?
Boy- No! don’t even think about it
Girl- Do u love me?
Boy- Of course! Always
Girl- Have u ever cheated on me?
Boy- NO! Y are you even asking?
Girl- Will u kiss me?
Boy- Yes! Every chance i get!
Girl- Will you hit me?
Boy- Hell no! Are you Crazy?
Girl- Can i trust you?
Boy- Yes!
Girl- Darling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AFTER MARRIAGE
Read from bottom to the top.
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM,
but he didn’t answer any question wrong!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon died?
A: his last battle.
Q2: Where was the declaration of Independence signed?
A: at the bottom of the page.
Q3: River Kanji flows in which state? A : liquid.
Q4: What is the main reason for failure?
A: exams.
Q5: What is the main reason for divorce?
A: Marriage.
Q6: What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch & dinner.
Q7: What looks like half an apple?
A: the other half.
Q8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
A: it will simply become wet.
Q9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
A: No problem, he sleeps only at night.
Q10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: you will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11: If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in other hand, what would you have?
A: very large hands.
Q12: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Anyway you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
JESUS AND THE TWO THIEVES
A lady with big boobs entered a bus. She has a rosary around her neck with the cross btw her boobs.
The guy beside her couldn’t help starring, Knowing the guy has been starring 4 over 15mins the lady asked: Are u looking at Jesus Christ who died on the cross?
The guy replied: No, not at all. I am actually looking at the two thieves beside him!
POISON MY HUSBAND
A lady walks into a drug store & tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. He asks her why?
“To poison my husband.”
“Lord have mercy, I can’t give u, its against d Law, they’ll throw us both in jail & I’ll lose my License”
D Lady then reaches into her purse, brings out a pix of her husband in bed with d Pharmacist’s wife & hands it 2 him. He looks at d pix & replies,
“U should’ve told me u had a Prescription” !!
BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE WERE SPENT IN THE ARMS OF A WOMAN
An inspirational speaker said: “Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife.”. The Audience was in shock and there was silence everywhere. He then added: “She was my mother”. There was a huge round of applause & deafening laughter! Afterwards, very daring husband tried to crack this joke at home. After dinner, he said loudly to
his wife in the kitchen, “ The best years of my life were spent
in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife”, standing for a moment, he tried to recall the punch line of the joke as narrated by the earlier speaker. By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from 3rd degree burns from boiling
hot vegetable oil!
A PROFESSOR EXPLAINED THE CONCEPT OF MARKETING TO MBA STUDENTS:
1. You see gorgeous girl in party, you go to her & say I am rich marry me
– That’s Direct Marketing.
2. You attend party & your friend goes to a girl & pointing at you
tells her. He is very rich, marry him – That’s Advertising.
3. Girl walks to you & says you are rich,can you marry me?
“That’s Brand Recognition”
4. You say I m very rich marry me & she slaps you
“That’s Customer Feedback”
5. You say I m very rich marry me & she introduces you to her husband
“That’s Demand & Supply Gap”
6. Before you say I m rich, marry me, your wife arrives –
“That’s Restriction from Entering New Market”. Gud nite
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MAY GOD FORGIVE YOUR DIRTY MINDS!
There was an Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, she lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher what she wanted. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy some bananas. So she brought her husband to the store………….. What did she do?
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What were you thinking?? HellOOOOOOOOOOOO,
Her husband speaks English …
May God forgive your dirty minds!
