PAINS OF WIDOWHOOD IN AFRICA ~ Tinu Odugbemi

* Pastor Tinu Odugbemi

Most of the time, the widows and widowers in the society are often forgotten. Even in Churches where they worship, they are often unrecognised; neither are they prayed for. But the Lord raised an advocate for them in Tinu Odugbemi, a journalist and a parish pastor of the Redeemed Christian Church of God.
The good Lord must have found enough intellectual and spiritual prowess in her to surmount the challenge. Until recently, every Saturday on NTA, Tinu, who reported for Concord newspapers for 13 years during which she became the president of the National Association of Women Journalists (1992-1995), brought many viewers to the precipice of tears with her in-depth treatment of the pains of this special but unfortunate group of people. One of Tinu’s several revelations was that the Church in Nigeria has shunned the widows for too long! Excerpts from an interview conducted by Bola Adewara.

Widowhood in Africa is said to be a story of pain. How do you mean?

Let me start by saying that widowhood is a state of loss, and nobody likes to lose anything except bad things. In the Bible, Jesus gave a parable of the man that had a hundred sheep but lost one.

He kept the ninety-nine somewhere and still went in search of the one. The same thing with the prodigal son. From the reception accorded him, it was glaring that the father was missing him and praying for his return.

The father must have been on the balcony if we can use something like that, because the Bible says he rushed to meet him when he saw him from afar.

Nobody likes to lose anything, whether a piece of jewel or an animal in the house, how much more a loved one. And when it’s a human being, somebody who was part of you for a long time, it’s an enormous tragedy.

When a woman loses her husband, she has also lost a friend, a brother, her confidant and more often than not, the family’s breadwinner.

She loses an income because even if the man is not the breadwinner, she loses whatever he has to bring in. She loses her marriage and status in society immediately she becomes a widow.

She cannot be counted among married women again, neither is she a single woman. She is a widow, and many are often not in a gathering. She is counted like a sore thumb.

As if these psychological pains are not enough, society, in the name of tradition or culture, now takes her through another gamut to compound her loss.

Right from the moment she loses her husband, the relatives of the husband come in not to console her but to take stock of the property ‘our brother or son’ left behind.

That is the first thing. They seize the keys to his room, his wardrobe and the car. Now the woman begins to think that she is losing not only the things I mentioned earlier but also her property, her right, and her accomplishments.

That is not all. She is now given rules and made to go through some rites, which are often dehumanising.

Let’s start with the basic one: isolation. She is asked to sit alone in some places, to wear dark-coloured clothes in this hot climate for a whole year! In some cultures, a widow does not open her window or step out early in the morning.

Seeing a widow first thing in the morning, they believe, brings bad luck. In some cultures, she is kept in a room for seven days where food is passed to her like a prisoner or a dog.

She is detached from her children, who could be young enough to need motherly attention. In some cultures, she eats on an unwashed plate with her left hand for seven days! This is still like being in heaven compared to other cultures.

How?

In some cultures, immediately after the man dies, the wife is the chief suspect. It doesn’t matter if he died in a plane crash with several other people or of old age. The wife must, first of all, swear that she has no hand in his death.

Among cultures like the Imohua people in River State and the Benin culture, the widow is forced to drink water to wash the corpse. This is also done among the Igala people in Kogi and Benue States.

Another thing done in the Kalabari area of Bayelsa and River States is that the woman is asked to bathe in a very deep river.

A leaf socked in particular charms is given to her as a sponge. After that, she is given a garment to wear. She is now public property. The community decide what she does. Everybody looks at her with suspicion. All these affect her mental state.

She losses confidence in herself. She has an inferiority complex. What can be worse than this after losing your husband?

Is this still happening to the modern-day woman?

I am telling you, it is still happening. Many widows come here at least three times a week; others would phone. Some people would even phone in to quickly hint that some in-laws are now trying to cart away a widow’s property.

There was this landlord who refused some in-laws to cart away the property of his tenant when the man died. The man asked them what about the wife.

And until today, a brother of the deceased who was quite close to the landlord doesn’t speak to the landlord again because he did not allow them to carry away the property.

The landlord protected the woman and her family. Incidentally, the woman signed the agreement with the landlord because her late husband was outside Lagos when the house was rented. The landlord stood his ground that the woman, not the deceased, rented the house from him.

Another lady came to complain that the elder brother of her deceased husband insisted on marrying her by force because that would make it easier for him to inherit the deceased’s property. So, as far as that man is concerned, his worry is not the woman but the property.

To crown it all, when this woman went for the funeral rites at home, they took possession of her car. She came back in a public transport. One of her children died during that funeral. I am telling you things that are still happening.

But why would any culture suspect wives when husbands die? Can’t men die naturally? Must women be the reason for the deaths of their husbands?

This is not whether women have done evil in the past; it is just our patriarchal system, which makes the man the head of the woman. The bride price culture creates the impression that you have hired a slave.

So, women are treated that way in so many homes. That has been the lot of women from womb to tomb. She is always at the receiving end.

Even if she loses her man when both are ripe enough to die, she is still made to endure all these. How could we find a place in our hearts to believe that a wife would kill a man she lived and slaved with?

Do widowers perform better than widows?

This depends on the individual. For some people, the man is a better parent, and for some, the wife. But it is generally assumed that the woman is a better parent because she stays more with the children.

Most women run their businesses from the house or take up jobs that give them flexible hours to be with the children. The man always goes out.

Our culture looks up to the man to provide for the family. Even the Bible says a man who cannot provide for his household is worse than an infidel.

There is so much pressure on the man to provide, so he is outside for long hours of the day. I don’t know who should go first, but experience shows that men die first. This is also borne out that most men are older than their wives.

Research at the University of Lagos found an average gap between a man and his wife is eight years. Add that to the fact that men bow to high blood pressure, heart attack, etc., quicker than women. It is not fortuitous that men die early.

However, I don’t have the right to say who should go first; that is for the Almighty. If we look at the Bible, Sarah died before Abraham. Rachel died before Jacob, and Jacob was a better parent.

Why your advocacy for widows?

Let me start by saying that I wanted to be a medical doctor early in life. I thought of specialising in either the care of children or the elderly. But that dream was scuttled because I didn’t make one of my science subjects.

Despite that, my result was good enough that my parents felt re-sitting the exam because a paper I needed for medicine was not worth it.

Subsequently, someone said I should do a course in Engineering, and I said no, that I was going for Mass Communication, and that was it.

Working as a journalist much later, with a focus on women, I came across many things bothering the way women are treated. In 1999, I was ordained a parish pastor of The Redeemed Christian Church Of God.

In the area I was, there were about 30 areas and among all these areas, I was the only woman chosen. I asked myself, why was I chosen? Later I told myself that God must have something for women, which the men probably were not doing.

Subsequently, I had a cause to go out of Lagos for a retreat. So I decided I would study a book in the Bible because, as a female pastor, people will invite me to talk at women’s programs on which I might refer to female characters like Deborah, Esther, Mary, etc.

I then decided on Ruth. I discovered that the book of Ruth was about three widows: Naomi, Opal and Ruth. When I began to compare their lives, the spirit of God began to tell me that these people represent a particular group in our society.

Naomi was an older woman who lost her husband and two sons. At this stage, she was so discouraged that when she returned to her land. She told her people I had returned empty-handed. Why are you calling me Naomi (meaning sweetness)? She said don’t call me sweetness; call me Maram (meaning bitterness).

At this point, God told me that many people have put so much into society but have lost all. They are discouraged, their heads are bowed, and they are in the Church to crown it all up!

Opal:

God told me that if these people find nobody to encourage them, they will back out from the Church. Then from Naomi, I moved up to Opal.

Right from our Sunday school days, we were told that Opal was a fun-loving girl who shed crocodile tears for Ruth. But the Lord gave me a different revelation concerning single parents and widows out there who want to live godly and uphold righteousness.

Still, they compromise their godly standards because of their desire to keep body and soul together. Opal is an example. Then there are people like Ruth who have decided to uphold godly standards to the end, but they need encouragement which Naomi, an older widow, gave. Ruth also was a support to Naomi.

She gave Naomi hope for living, and she continued and propagated the lineage of Naomi by having children for Obed, from him to Jesse, to David and down to Jesus Christ. That was what I got from the Lord.

What did you do with all this information?

After all this, I wondered why God wanted me to have this information. I started praying. I didn’t receive anything again while I was in that place, but on my way back, I decided to look through a devotional book, and interestingly, I came across a quoted verse: ‘Man’s gift will make room for him.’

That verse struck me. I then asked myself what the gift in my life was and said journalism. All my life, I have been a journalist, and immediately what, I thought was I was going to start a magazine for widows. So, along the line, I started sharing this vision with people.

I remember discussing it with my sister. I was thinking of what name I would give the magazine devoted to people whose heads are bowed.

My sister then said she had a name she wanted to give a salon business she wanted to start. She wanted to name it Headhigh. That was where I got the name. So I started working on the magazine.

How did it lead to Headhigh?

One day in my dream, I saw the name Headhigh: lifting heads that are bowed, and I noticed it was on a television screen. After this, I did nothing about the vision, and suddenly, some of my friends became widowed.

A friend’s husband was killed and dumped in the boot of his car! People were looking around for him, not knowing he was in the boot, and I found myself going to comfort her.

As if that was not enough, another friend whose husband was a lecturer was shot dead around Agidingbi, Lagos. I also had to go and commiserate with her.

Not long after this, it happened to another friend when armed robbers went to their house, and her husband was shot dead right in her presence!

I was terrified, and I started praying. I told God, ‘If I don’t want to do anything but just because of this friend of mine you want me to do something, give me ideas.’ The last straw was a man whose wife was my junior and a close friend. That was when I said I must do something.

One day, while sharing the vision, somebody asked, ‘Has it ever occurred to me that I couldn’t treat this issue properly in magazines the way I could on TV?’ As soon as he said it, I had a flash of that TV screen, and goose pimples took over me.

Soon, we started talking about a television programme. Suddenly, I got the money to pay for the first two quarters, and I spent even up front, and that gave me the confidence that that was what God wanted.

What is the reality of the widows in the Church?

When you ask me about the Church, you touch a sore point in me. You see, when I minister in Churches, I challenge the congregants on some things done in some other religion for widows and the needy.

We Christians quote James: 1:27 most of the time on the care of the widows and the fatherless, but I want to tell you that the Church has not lived up to expectations.

In the days of the apostolic times, as recorded in Acts 2, the Bible tells us that all the faithful gathered their property and deposited them at the apostles’ feet. The apostles now share them with everybody so that nobody lacks anything.

But these days, many people are suffering in the Church. Nobody bothers about them, and if at all they worry, maybe once a year. This is common among Churches and Christian groups that organise parties for them at Christmas.

HOW OUR FATHER, REV. LAWAN ANDIMI WAS CAPTURED, KILLED BY BOKO HARAM…

At these parties, they share two tins of rice, one litter of groundnut oil and two tins of tomato puree, salt, and sugar. Some may go a little further by giving them four to six yards of fabric.

Many Churches organise programmes like Children’s Week, Youth Week and Elders Week. The men and women have theirs. How many Churches organise Widows’ Week? Even if there is one widow in the Church, what stops them from giving that widow allowance every month?

How many times have they gone to visit her? There are so many people suffering in the Church. It is good to go after new converts, but charity must begin from home. The Church hasn’t done much.

In the days of the apostle, as recorded in Act 6, the apostles appointed people like Steven to attend to people regularly. That means they were giving out something to widows.

Having said this, this advocacy is coming out from groups like us, and I see that some Churches have started doing something. Some Churches now meet with their widows maybe once a month, at least, I know of some parishes of The Redeemed Christian Church of God.

I know that in some of the parishes, they have vigils for widows once a month. So, we thank God that some things are being done with this type of advocacy and enlightenment.

Churches that have not been adequate in areas like this should repent. It is never too late to start.

It has been said that idle women suffer when their husbands die. What message have you for our women?

That is in two parts. First of all, don’t assume that these women do not work. In most cases, they may be working, but when the in-laws come, they don’t want to know whether they jointly own some of the property.

Some in-laws pack some of the widow’s properties, including her clothes claiming the man bought them for her!

It doesn’t matter if she has a good job. She starts all over again, so that is why the diet and other things change. If they throw her out of the house, she has to spend good money to rent suitable accommodation.

Some wives can’t even collect the gratuity of their husbands. Some families go with their wives and share the money only if they are generous.

Some families collect it behind the wives because when some men begin their job as bachelors, they put their mothers, fathers or brothers as next of kin and forget to change those names when they get married.

However, let’s thank God for the various advocacies and enlightenment that are coming out. Many companies now insist on seeing the wife before they hand over the gratuity. Others share it in two, one half for the family and the other half for the wife.

* Headhigh

What about women who don’t work?

Secondly, I found out that some of the women don’t work. This compounds the problem a lot. When they arrived, we gave out a skill acquisition form so that many who were not working could quickly learn one or two trades like hat making, bead making, soap making and pomade making.

Some put in for computer secretarial studies, running a daycare, snail farming, etc.

We have about twenty different skill jobs. We are now arranging for these women to be placed somewhere. We have started asking some people with shop or cottage industries to take one or two, or four widows and train them for free.

Some of them have been kind enough to do that. We had some training in a sewing institute when a man called us to teach anyone who cares about horology (the study of watches).

We have over 40 women on our list who want to study hat-making. We are so handicapped by money, or else we would have arranged a three-week course and get experts in hat making to train them.

There are talks of women who hide property when their husbands die …

When we talk from the Christian point of view, then we say that is not exactly right. We should not allow our fear of tomorrow to start making us do things that will make people doubt our stand with God. However, the Bible says you must be as wise as the children of the world.

There is an NGO in Kenya that specialises in doing this. They are a group of widows who, as soon as they hear a woman has lost her husband, go there and tell her to give them some of the things her husband left behind, and each one of them takes something, which they hide for her. It is that bad in Kenya!

They also stand with the widow through any widowhood rites. They stand against any rites they find dehumanising, and if the in-laws want to proceed on it, all of them dress in black, turn their clothes inside out, and march to the house of the head of the in-laws, begin to weep.

That means they are carrying the dead to that man’s house. Quickly, such in-laws leave that widow alone. That as a strategy might not be godly for us as Christians, but some cultures push people to extreme actions. Some in-laws are so wicked they don’t consider the deceased’s family.

The Bible says money is a defence, and God is the chief defence officer and security officer. Many children of the widows are suffering because they can’t raise money to go to school.

So, if a woman feels she can take one or two things to improve her lot,  I cannot comment on that. That is left to the individual’s conscience. But I, as a Christian, would not support that.

What is your advice?

I will instead advise women right now to work at their marriage. They should have a joint account with their husbands, a joint account that nobody can access without you, and mutual insurance. It makes you and your husband one, indeed.

The wisdom is that you can present these papers in court as evidence that you bought all these things together.
Also, appreciate that when you buy something, don’t let it be written as Mr and Mrs Johnson.

If his name is Bayo and yours is Shade, let it be written as Mr Bayo and Shade Johnson so that Mr and Mrs cannot be interpreted as another woman somewhere.

In addition, get a photocopy of the receipts and document them somewhere. We are not being pessimistic but wise. Get educational insurance policies for the children and invest.

What would you say about writing will?
It is not only good for them to ask their husbands; they should also do it. Everybody should think of writing one. I am not against it, and I don’t see what is against God in it.

In the Bible, some old men would call their children and give them instructions on what to do after them. Abraham called his servant and made a will concerning a wife for his son Isaac. Isaac also did the same for Jacob and Esau. Jacob also did the same for his twelve children.

Joseph even brought his two children to Jacob for the same purpose. Many Church founders whom God called to start ministries wrote that when they die, so person should take over from them. That is a will.

The Bible says a wise man will leave an inheritance for his children’s children, and it is a wise man that will ensure peace in his household whether or not he is there. We must make peace; if a will puts peace in place, let it be so.

What about the option of remarrying?

The Bible says if you can’t contain yourself, it is better to remarry than to burn. If the Church continues to close its eye towards that area, we will have a lot of hypocrites in the Church. Many widows will come to Church to say God is good and go and wreck other people’s homes.

It may even be some brothers in Church that will go after these young widows believing there is no attachment, and before you know it, a crisis has developed in the Church.

The best thing for us is to address them as we address singles. Let provisions be made for them. Let them be counselled appropriately.

Some churches will tell their widows to go and mix with the singles. Young widows are not strictly singles. In my Church, we see youths as singles but then call some Glorious Singles because we know some of these sisters are over 30.

When you tell them to mix with singles, they don’t go or go with married women. We try to create their group for them like we have a particular group for widows.

We must minister to them on the necessary steps to take if they want to remarry. Tell them to believe that God will do, so they should keep themselves clean. Teach them how to create opportunities of being at places where they can meet people.

If somebody comes to propose to you, this is how to go about it. And, of course, let them know that it can be difficult because they had married once. Society has a way of looking down on single parents and how much more widows.

Are you a widow?

No, but not until I feel the pain before I should know how to help others. My husband is hale and hearty. He is a civil servant, so we can’t all be in the public eye.